I wrote these 4 years ago (you feeling old?) when I had a job that had a lot of 'spare time' - Its spoof pokernews.
Found them in my drafts from my email. There were some others that have been lost in cyberspace, like a story about Phil Hellmuths hall of fame picture falling off the wall under the weight of its own ego.
Some are better than others...
Busto frat boy claims “Doyle is bad for the poker economy”
James Scott, a freshman at Florida State University has claimed that Doyle Brunson is bad for the poker economy and is taking money out of the game.
Mr Scott said yesterday “I was watching Doyle on High Stakes Poker, he was playing really tight, nitting it up, winning a few blinds and then it hit me” he said “Doyle is old, he cant have long left – when he goes the money Doyle has accumulated over his lifetime playing poker will be divided up by his estate. Only a small percentage of this will be put back in by his son Todd”
Angered at this thought Mr Scott took his revelation to the internet message boards to rally support in an attempt to get Doyle to return his poker winnings to the poker economy and get him banned from high stakes cash games and any tournament with a buy-in greater than $12.
His enthusiasm wasn’t met with the support he had hoped and he quickly found himself on the back foot arguing against forum posters who found his comments disrespectful to the poker hall of famer.
“They’re all fan-boys” James said, “But think about it this way, if Doyle divided up his fortune among the lower stakes players, everyone could move up. I currently play NL10 but all these donkeys keep going all in with 56 suited and busting my AA so its impossible to get a bankroll started”
Mr Scott claims that he and many others could benefit from a windfall from Doyle and he could move up stakes “to a level where they respect my raises”. He also added “the UIGEA has affected us all, before I had almost $187 in tournament winnings on Full Tilt, but post legislation I am now -$97 and struggling to break even”
“By my estimations a bankroll of about $50,000 would put me in reach of my poker goals of being a regular at the 5/10 and a Breitling watch”
Mr Scott says his next step is to attend the World Series of Poker with patches and badges which he is hoping other “young guns” will wear and give his cause some media coverage.
“I won’t be giving up on this, I know I‘m right”
James is planning on dropping out of university next semester to pursue a career as a poker professional.
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*This is in regards to the following video, at the 2 minute mark:
Media Intern Dies after receiving “Ivey Death Stare”
The Media intern who jumped in Ivey’s path shortly after he busted from the Main Event final table has died 3 days after she received Phil Ivey’s trademark “death stare”
Video footage shows young media intern Maria Martinez throwing herself in front of Ivey as he was departing the Rio on November 9th. “She grabbed him around the waist and tired to turn him towards the camera so the interview could commence” said eye witness Howard Lederer.
“He said ‘whoa’ to try and warn her, but it was too late, there wasn’t enough time for her to get out of the way”
It was at this moment when Ivey’s eyes unleashed a wrath of power synonymous with the high stake player. “This time it was more intense, like he actually seized her soul” Lederer added.
Two days later she was admitted to hospital with fever, cold sweats and uncontrollable diarrhoea.
On November 12th she was pronounced dead. The cause of death is unknown but having reviewed the footage doctors say that Phil Ivey’s eyes were the most probable cause. “Each year around the time of the World Series of Poker we see patients admitted with similar symptoms” said Dr Suman Prakash “The one constant in all these cases is that they were usually seated at the same table as Phil Ivey.” He said “This is the first case where a patient has died, but having reviewed the footage it’s clear that in this instance the eyes were radiating a much higher level of soul-reading”
Dr Prakash advised poker players not to look directly into the eyes of Phil Ivey. “If you must then the player must use a pin-hole viewer – similar to the ones you would use to look a solar eclipse”
Howard Lederer made a statement to the media on behalf of Phil Ivey and Team Full Tilt. He said “We are deeply saddened that Phil’s eyes have caused the death of a young member of the media. Our condolences are sent out to the family.” Howard also added “I had talked to her only moments before she made the fatal error. She was a freak and a very weird girl. She was also quite young; I think she should have stayed away.”
Phil was unreachable for comment as his chat was turned off at Ivey Thunder dome.
Local man wins home game high hand jackpot with 5 of a kind
Derek Whites, a local of Carlston, South Carolina entered his weekly home game tournament the same as he had been doing for the past few years. However this week, his fortunes changed, and after what he claims to be “one of the worst downswings in worldwide poker history” his big score finally came in.
“It was just another night. My pal Greg runs a tournament in his basement every Wednesday night, it’s a $20 buy-in winner takes all. We usually have about 6 – 12 entrants. It’s a tough game, but after a few beers the action starts to get wild” said Derek.
“Id made it down to heads-up when I was dealt pocket 5’s” I went all in and had my opponent covered” he said “He called and the board was dealt. The flop came 2 of clubs, 5 of clubs, King of spades” My opponent flipped his hand, stood up and shouted “CLUB ONE TIME!!” as he threw 7 clubs 3 clubs on the felt”
“The prize pool that week was $160, and my truck needed a new back tire, so I was praying like hell for him not to get there”
The dealer burned and turned “A 5 of clubs hit the turn, my heart sank – I was devastated – his flush had got there and I needed to pair the board to win”
The dealer dealt the river and the 5 of hearts was flipped from the deck onto the table “I just exploded with joy – greatest feeling in the world – Id been watching Chris Moneymaker’s World Series win earlier that day, and I thought that feeling of taking down a major tournament would always remain a dream for me”
It wasn’t until the chips were being counted down that John Gregory, who was dealing the game, noticed that Greg had made 5 of a kind.
“At first I thought it was the beer” said John “I was pretty hammered at the time, so it took a few moments to sink in. I alerted the table that there was an extra 5 in the deck, in fact the back extra 5 was a different colour to the rest of the deck, and I don’t know how we missed it first time round”
Derek’s opponent and runner-up Shaun Long was asked if he wanted to run the board out again. He declined saying “That’s poker folks”
The weekly high-hand jackpot of $15 and a 6 pack of Budweiser were awarded to Derek. He has since replaced the tire on his truck.
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Jeffery Pollack Introduces ‘Wild Cards’ to the World Series of Poker.
Commissioner of the World Series of Poker, Jeffery Pollack, is aiming to introduce a new “Wild Card” to the standard 52 card deck.
The new card, similar to a joker, will be able to be used by a player to be any other card of the deck.
“Imagine the excitement of Pocket Aces vs. Wild Cards” said Jeffery “We’ve all seen Aces vs. Kings at the tables, and its losing its excitement, we know the odds, Aces is 80% favourite to win – but 2 Aces vs. 2 Wild Cards? Who knows which hand is a favourite in that scenario!?!?”
“I’m once again going to improve the game of poker and make it more exciting for the viewing public”
The new cards, which will be named after the creator, will be designed to look as exciting as possible “Id like to see any player keep his or her poker face when they’re dealt ‘Pocket Pollack’s’ under the gun during a world series event” said Jeffery.
“We’ve done a lot of research into what the design of the card should be. We wanted it to look exciting. So we went with a bright colour scheme, dollar signs with a gold trim”
“Its going to shake the game right up” Said Jeffery “Im throwing out the rule book, quite literally, and replacing it with a better more exciting one – All these math wiz kids are going to have to get their calculator out if they hope to master the changes in probability with the introduction of my new cards”
If the new cards are successful, Mr Pollack aims to replace all other forms of poker with No Limit Texas Holdem by the 2012 World Series “They say it’s the only true form of poker ‘The Cadillac of poker” said Jeffery “That’s a line from the new Matt Damon movie ‘Rounder’s’ which was just released”
Paul Magriel’s Tongue Allowed To Enter Poker Tournament.
World Poker Tour officials declared Paul Magriel’s tongue eligible to enter WPT events as a separate entrant from Paul himself.
After reviewing footage of Paul from previous televised events he has played, it was decided that the tongue could be considered a separate entity from Paul himself.
“It appears to move on its own accord, have a conscience and be able to make decisions independently from the host body.” Said WPT Spokes-woman, Jane Wirral.
It was unanimously agreed that Pauls tongue – nicknamed “X-Twenty-Tongue” would be allowed to enter tournaments on its own accord.
Allowances will be made so that both the tongue and Paul can play in the same tournament and neither player would have to miss a hand.
“Paul will be required to close his eyes when the tongue is playing its hand, officials will be on hand to ensure this, to avoid any advantage that Paul could gain from knowing the tongues hole cards”
So im going to tell you a story, prepare for the official byrnesam feel good movie of the year:
April:
Broke up with my Thai bride-to-be after far too long being 'long distance'
Over 1 year of living in some denial bubble, drifting along and distancing myself from everyone around me
Wallow in self pity. One of the lowest points of my life.
Engross myself in Ryan Gosling movies
Realize I live in a beautiful country with a loving family and hundreds of potential new friends
May onwards:
Claw myself out of my pit of despair.
Get involved in a new social circle made up of foreign travelers/students in Dunedin thanks to Silver)Z(. To which i would like to extend my most sincere thanks, because what followed were some of the best times of my life.
Went skiing in Queenstown, hiked to the viewing point at the top of the mountain.
^ thats me
Took this on my cellphone.
Suddenly, regular socializing during the week.
Looking forward to the weekends.
Slowly a few people begin to leave as their trips in NZ come to an end.
Slightly bummed out, but decide to make the most of it with the people there and the time they have.
Go for a weekend trip to Te Anau and Milford Sound and do some hiking.
Go on said trip with a french girl who i hadn't known previously.
Get on well with french girl, become a little smitten.
Go out one of the following weekends. End up walking her back to her place. We share a drink in her kitchen and end up in her bedroom.
End up going to bed together in her bed
THIS IS IT BYRNESAM, YOURE IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST. THE COBRA GETS READY TO STRIKE
Try all my best moves
and manage to get friend-zoned in the process.
Wake up the next morning and think...
At least i got to squeeze some T&A...
Things quickly fade between us. Back on that self-loathing and wallowing in my own despair. Feel like destined to be forever alone.
Attend social drinks function for work. Think its going to be shit, but figure i should make a celebrity appearance to boost the ratings. Have to sober drive - night turns out to be really good fun.
Meet girl there who I hadn't met before because she works Sundays when im off.
Give her a ride home (LOL BETA WHITE KNIGHT FAGGOT MOVE), she promises to buy me a drink to say thanks. General good vibe.
Take a shot and add her on FB. Get to chatting, she invites me out for coffee to say thank you. Scheduling conflicts prevent this.
Take a punt and invite her to a party i was going to attend later that week (on the day before my birthday)
She accepts
Attend said party, its alright, I don't really know the people there that well (or at all)
Talk to girl the whole time, getting on super well.
Party moves from the house to some bars in town, we go ahead of the others. Things go awesome at the bar, getting a little closer - bit of cheek-to-cheek action whilst we talk.
At 1:30am on August 24th (byrnesam's birthday) we decide to head home. Im driving her home. We park up outside her place.
LETS GET READDDDYYYY TO RUMBLE
Make the move, mission successful.
So there I was, 2 hours into my birthday, making out with a chick in my car with Motorhead playing in the background. It was one of those wonderful moments when you pause and think to yourself 'remember this moment, because its fucking awesome'
Shes not Asian
Shes training to be a doctor.
Im a 27 year old live at home, quake live playing, man-child.
We part ways at about 3:30am. I was at like day 5 of no-fap. Made it home with extreme blue balls and was actually in pain. Had no choice but to cure myself.
I get up a few hours later and go to work. All my co-workers wish me a happy birthday.
Go into the break room, they've baked me a fucking huge cake and a bunch of delicious savory muffins (not pictured)
Its amazing how much life can change in a matter of moments. I dont usually do anything for my birthday and this ended up being one of most memorable ever. So if youre ever feeling forever alone, just remember theres a planet full of awesome people and awesome experiences waiting for you just around the corner.
1: AVGN: Im sure most people have seen the Angry Video Game Nerd at some point in time, but if you havent and grew up with console gaming then you will like his stuff. His collection and knowledge of the old consoles is insane.
This is one of my favorites, because i remember seeing a lot of the stuff advertised. Its really a great insight into console gaming history, and how crazy the industry was when we were growing up.
2: So after mental christmas work schedule, i bought a bass guitar:
similar to that, in a pack with a little amp. So far im really enjoying it. Ive been using youtube and web material to learn some scales and riffs. I started trying to learn with fingers, but i think im going to continue playing with a pick.
3: Bought a phone with Android 2.3 - my last phone was a few years old and a bit beat. There was a special on at work so it was about 1/4 off. So i decided to get my first android phone. Any recomendations are welcome, I seemed to have a few problems with getting movies to play on the micro SD, but i downloaded MX Video Player, which seems to be doing the job, apart from playing The Simpsons.
Its primary purpose will be distracting me from work.
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